Movie reviews in 10 words or less

It’s been quite a while since I last did this, so I guess we’re due for another installment. Here you go - another compendium of movie reviews for movies that you’ve all already seen:

• Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs – Just a great family movie from beginning to end.
• Wanted – Everything I hate about modern filmmaking conveniently in one movie.
• Secondhand Lions – A very pleasant surprise. Fun, touching and entertaining.
• Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure – Most triumphant.
• Monty Python and the Holy Grail – My second-favorite Python film. Shrubbery!
• Jumper – Promising, but edited for action rather than coherence.
• Tommy – Um….interesting. Still undecided on this one.
• The Bank Job – Another pleasant surprise. I love a good heist film.
• Avatar – Blue. Preachy. Awesome. James Cameron is still a douche, though.
• Dr. Goldfoot and the Girl Bombs – Horrible, horrible, horrible Italian James Bond spoof.
• The Conquering Power – Very enjoyable, although the book was butchered in the script.
• The Squid and the Whale – Meh. An okay film about unlikable people.
• Jury Duty – “Your Honor, I object.”
• Little Miss Sunshine – Perfectly cast and superbly written. I loved this movie.
• Hancock – First half is pretty good, ruined by lame sequel set-up.
• Julie & Julia – Loved Julia. Hated Julie.
• X-Men Origins: Wolverine – Better than X-Men 3, some hokey special effects.
• Bubba Ho-Tep – Quite possibly the quirkiest and most awesome movie ever.
• Crank 2: High Voltage - Just horrible. Everyone involved should be banned from moviemaking.
• xXx – Better than expected. Not Citizen Kane, but brainless fun.
• Ghost Rider – They managed to make a flaming skeleton motorcycle daredevil boring.
• G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra – Entertaining enough for two hours. Better than Transformers.

And in the “Sci-Fi Channel originals” division…

Seriously, these films can’t be grouped with the ones above. From Debbie Gibson to Luke Perry to the lame guy from 7th Heaven (and you have to be REALLY lame to stand out as “the lame guy” on that show), Sci-Fi’s Saturday night showcase of direct-to-DVD gems is where the barely breathing careers of has-been actors go to finally die.

I’m ashamed that I watch them, but they’re addictingly awful. (Also, I refuse to call the Sci-Fi Channel by its new name because it’s just dumb.)

• Mega Shark Versus Giant Octopus – An epic monster clash made with soap operation production values.
• Silent Venom – Snakes on a submarine. Yes, it’s just that dumb.
• Basilisk: The Serpent King – If his stare doesn’t get you, the wee arms will.