How you people got here

Every once in a while, The Wife decides to write a post about the more… interesting keyword searches that lead people to her site. Two can play that little game.

While mine aren’t generally as sexually tinged as her’s (having the word “soccer mom” in the title of your blog opens up a whole Pandora’s box of possible Google searches), I get some from time to time that make me scratch my head and wonder as well.

Here’s some of the most questionable search terms from the past few months:

modernishfather.com – If you can type that in the search box, you can type it in the address bar. YOU FAIL AT THE INTERWEBZ.
assfinger – Okay then.
boys dressed as girls – Sounds like something you’d find on Kristine’s site.
comical football wedding pictures – I suppose that’s as opposed to dignified football wedding pictures?
dentist jokes mr thirsty – Is there a whole sub-genre of jokes centered on the punchline, “Mr. Thirsty?”
destroy all trucks – The SMART car revolution has begun.
do experts on figure skating think that figure skating is a sport – Do they really care as long as their paychecks keep clearing?
every rose has it’s thorn in large print – Oh, you baby boomers. The times are a-changin’, aren’t they?
farewell speach for your dead dad – First of all, I’m sorry for your loss. Secondly, doesn’t Dad deserve a little more effort than you just copying something you found online? Third, make sure someone else proofreads the programs.
father cribbin – Yo, dat’s how we roll out the lil’ gangstas when the sun drops off.
father consistently – That can lead to a lot of child support payments. Just ask Shawn Kemp.
general ‘blahs’ - You’ve come to the right place.
i don’t want to go on the cart – Sounds like a personal problem.
jury duty big purse – It’s not like you’ll be shoving your personal items in an overhead bin in the jury box. If you can haul it in, they’re generally cool with it.
kids dressed up like old people – That’s just wrong.
kiss me i’m irish-ish journey – Okay, you lost me at the hyphen on that one.
learning isnt always fun – followed immediately by learning new things always fun
letter written by santa anna in the alamo - I think you’ve got some key players mispositioned on your board there.
mixing hair color – I bet they saw the giant, shiny head in the header image and realized that I was totally unqualified to answer their questions about this.
my son likes to destroy thing - As well he should. If we don’t destroy Thing first, Thing will most certainly destroy us.
olympic figure skating goe explanation – I’m pretty sure I couldn’t give it to you, because I have no idea what “goe” means myself.
pics of color blindness – Just click on the “grayscale” filter in Photoshop. Or the “greyscale” filter if you’re British.
required boys sweatbands wrists – Damn it, this wrist sweatiness epidemic is getting out of hand! Can we legally require the little buggers to wear sweatbands? Google that and see if there’s a precedent.
roundhouse slow motion and slow motion round house kicks – Man, I bet you both were disappointed when you landed here.
teacher “puking her guts out” – That’s not very nice.
the best thing ever – You said it, not me.
toenail – Turnips. Buttocks. Tractors. Random nouns.
tricia aeschbacher – I don’t know Tricia, but apparently she commented on one of my posts at some point and now that comment turns up as the third result when you Google her name. Tricia (if you’re reading this), people are looking for you. Call home.
trouble – Don’t go looking for that!
what we did last weekend or any other weekend – Too drunk to remember what happened last weekend? Surely Google can tell you.
why does no one else have their garbage out – Because you’re an idiot who doesn’t know what day of the week it is.