Didn’t you get the memo?

I think the format of today’s post is fairly self-explanatory.

Here you go:

• Memo to the lady in front of me every day with the “My beagle is smarter than your honor student” bumper sticker: I can totally see you picking your nose at the stoplight.
• Memo to the old guy who jogs around shirtless near my office: Please put on a shirt.
• Memo to the other guy on Blue’s Clues: You suck. I can’t even remember your name. We all want Steve back.
• Memo to people who say “vay-cay”: Stop doing that. It’s really annoying.
• Memo to my neighbor: Stop leaving random items out in your front yard/driveway for days at a time. Seriously, if you liked that rug enough to buy it, why can’t you haul it the additional four feet and put it inside your house? Or just leave it in your car?
• Memo to my other neighbor: The court we live on is not an extension of your driveway. Please refrain from doing car maintenance in it. Some of us like to drive there so we can reach our own houses.
• Memo to my daughter: It would really be okay to sleep in every once in a while. Daddy wouldn’t mind.
• Memo to my dog: I’m going to take you for a walk at the same time I do every night. Jumping around and thwapping my children with your tail won’t speed up the process. Honestly, I’m waiting until the temperature dips below 95° for your sorry sake.
• Memo to people who aren’t ready for the conversion to digital television: I have no sympathy for you. At this point, if you haven’t taken care of things, it’s by your own choice.
• Memo to Freebird’s World Burrito: You’ve gone steadily downhill since being bought out a couple of years ago. Screwing up your barbecue sauce was the last straw. You are now dead to me.
• Memo to our local CBS station: Stop peddling railway vacations for old people. It’s just kind of weird and smacks of “anything for a buck.”
• Memo to my digital cable service: You complete me. People who don’t watch television are fools. Your DVR and 200+ channels have made my life immeasurably better. You’d be perfect if…
• Memo to my cable company: I pay like $4 billion every month for fancy cable service. Just go ahead and add the MLB Network, okay? I don’t care what they’re charging you. I’ve already taken care of my end of the deal.
• Memo to the Sci-Fi Channel: Changing your name to SyFy (no, really, they’re doing that) doesn’t excuse the fact that you now mostly just show crappy horror “reality” shows and wrestling. At this point, I’d even take more of your horrible made-for-TV schlock movies.
• Memo to ESPN: No one cares that the late edition of SportsCenter is coming from Los Angeles. Please stop reminding us every fifteen seconds.
• Memo to the NBA Finals: Please be over soon. I still don’t care about basketball.
• Memo to the weather: It’s too freaking hot outside. If it’s this hot now, what’ll it be like in the dog days of August?
• Memo to people with McCain-Palin stickers on their cars: The election is over. You lost. It’s time to move on.
• Memo to people with Obama-Biden stickers on their cars: The election is over. You won. It’s time to move on.
• Memo to people with W ’04 stickers on their cars: That election is really over. Society has moved on without you.
• Memo to people with Dennis Kucinich for President stickers on their cars: Really?

And for the record, I did actually see someone driving around today with a “Kucinich for President” sticker on their truck. Amazingly, it was someone other than Dennis Kucinich.