The Name Game, Part Deux

Well, now that there actually is a baby and we’ve determined the gender (allegedly), The Wife and I have dusted off the ol’ baby name books and come to one simple conclusion.

You really only need three things to publish a baby name book:

1. The ability to copy the work of others
2. A publisher who thinks a book of name derivations is a new idea
3. Stupid, stupid, stupid expectant couples who will give you their money

As I look at the four baby name books sitting in my office, I’ll admit that we belong squarely in the “stupid, stupid, stupid expectant couple” category. I plead a case of pregnancy-induced insanity on that one though – you really do think that the next book on the shelf will be the one that contains that perfect name.

Instead, you get pearls of wisdom like these:
(All of these are actual suggested names. If one of these is your name, you have my pity.)

Kiss (American) – A caring and compassionate woman

Aeflwine (English) – A friend of the elves

Bandana (Spanish) – A brightly colored headwrap

Bass (English) – Resembling the fish

Chilly (American) – One who is cold

Cricket (American) – Resembling a chirping insect of the night

Humvee (American) – Resembling the vehicle, a macho man

Lamia (Greek) – A female vampire

Keres (Greek) – Vengeful spirits of death and doom

Jiles (American) – Resembling a small goat

But wait! There’s more!

Plus, you’ll get hot tips that names like Elmer, Edith and Agnes are making strong comebacks in the new millennium. People want to give their children hyphenated first names because of that spunky Mary-Kate Olsen. It’s okay to name your child after a favorite product, like Gain or Snickers. One book even advocated adding multiple recurrences of the same letter in a common name to make it stand out, with examples being “Jennifferr” and “Aadaam”.

I wish I was making this crap up, but I’m not.

The more you look at these books, the more you realize that they’re not really resources for the stumped. They’re enablers.

Do you have some ludicrously stupid idea for a child’s name? Don’t worry, somewhere there’s a book out there telling you that not only is it okay, it’s trendy!

See this barrel? See these fish? Can you shoot?

It all makes me wonder who exactly is writing these books. Each one claims to be written by an “award-winning author” or “expert”. Who knew that so many experts existed in merely regurgitating every possible name the human mind can think of? The only person who should be getting an award is the guy who researched the history of all these names to begin with. The rest of these ”authors” have just been copying and paraphrasing his work ever since.

Each book is “the best”, “all you need”, “the most complete”, “the most researched”, etc… Numbers are popular too – “1,000 Baby Names”, “10,000 Baby Names”, “100,001+ Baby Names” – it’s very much akin to a nuclear arms race.

I’ve read all these books cover-to-cover, most multiple times. And I’ve got the same list of twenty or so names that I started out with. So much for the experts.

Too bad it’s not a boy. Lando Bart sounds better all the time.